Wasted Prayers

So today I was on the road and so I had time to do a lot of thinking. . . probably too much. I was thinking back and remembering all my morning prayers. I kind of almost had on OCD thing. I was always so fearful of losing my husband by having something happen to him on his way to work. I would almost hyperventilate thinking that I was going to get a call.

When I became pregnant this feeling only escalated and each morning I would walk Sam out the garage door and just as it shut I would begin to pray. I prayed to our God that he would keep him safe, get him to work safely and get him home to Visalia safely too. I even always said "home to Visalia" because I was so afraid that if I just said home he would take him "Home" and that thought was just too much to bear. I would put my hand on my stomach and say let's pray for daddy son. I didn't want to raise Nathan alone.

After Nathan was born it was the same thing. No matter how tired I was from long nights of being up with Nathan or nursing all throughout the night I would get up and see Sam off. I can proabbaly count on one hand how many times I stayed in bed as he left and that was usually if I didn't hear him getting ready in the morning. Even then, when that garage door shut the praying began. On most days though when i had Nathan in my arms I would say "ok, let's pray son."

I was thinking back on all those mornings and I became angered. How many prayers had I WASTED. How much did I ask of the Lord only to be left anyway.

One Day . . .

So I was waiting for my new day last night and it came. This morning as always Nathan woke up in the best of moods. He crawls over and throws himself on top of me and there is absolutely no personal space between us, but I wouldn't want it any other way. As I lied there this morning I couldn't help but think back on the mornings that we would stay in bed watching t.v, usually old 24's, west wings, or CSI's and daydream about what it would be like once Nathan arrived. We would talk about all the "One day's . . ." that were to come.

Like one day how we would stay in bed watching Saturday morning cartoons with him, or how one day he would run into the room and jump on our bed. I couldn't help but feel a little sad because although Nathan isn't quite running in and jumping on the bed, those days are kinda here. Nathan is here. But it is just the two of us waking up in bed. So this morning I decided to play the "One day . . ." game with him. It was a bittersweet moment and one I will always treasure.

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Ever feel buried?

So today was a pretty rough day. We had an early morning doctor's appointment and a lot of running around to do. As Nathan continues to grow into the strong handsome boy that he is, he is getting to be VERY ACTIVE! Last Wednesday he began to crawl on his knees a little which was a step from the army crawl he does most often. However, walking is still his first choice of getting around. The only issue is that he can't quite walk by himself so it usually entails me hunched over lending him my two index fingers as support. I can't and won't complain though because I love every second with my little guy and I know that one day soon the last thing he is going to want is me walking him everywhere. But, I do get a little tired ever now and then . . . and so does my back.

While today I felt physically tired, I felt mentally tired too. Getting up early to get myself ready before getting Nathan ready, packing the bag for the day, driving to the doctors, the wait, the appointment, errands, meal time, nap time (him, not me), driving home, snack time (again him, not me), playtime, dinner, bath routine, story, nursing, and bed (once again him, not me). . . I felt very tired. And in between all of that add in a few melt downs because we can't walk 24/7! Soon enough son, soon enough.

Now in that day throw in my emotions and I have to say I felt like I was a little buried. However, days like this are not unfamiliar to me, in fact they are pretty common. While this is everything I expected mommyhood to be, I just didn't expect that I would be going at it alone. I wish that at the end of the day I was coming home to someone, coming home to support.

As I was leaning over the tub tonight during Nathan's bath time I found myself going over the day thinking "we made it through one more day." While it felt hard at times we made it. I quickly shook my thoughts from my head and enjoyed bath time with my son. After getting him into his jammies, telling him a story and nursing him I finally tucked him into bed sound asleep. And once again found my mind drifting . . .

Why is it this way? Why am I a single parent? What did I do? Why did it cost not only me, but my son too? Didn't I do everything I was supposed to to ensure that this very thing didn't happen? To ensure I had support from a husband? While I am getting through the days, it would sure be nice to hear from a husband "you did a good job." "You handled that melt down great." Or it sure would be nice to get a back rub or neck massage at the end of the day after all the 'walking,' nursing and toting baby around. Even better, just a hug with no words at all. These are all things that are just part of wish-list for me because they are all things that won't happen. Why, I may never know. But tomorrow is new day and another blessing with my son, so before it gets here I'm going to crawl into bed with my son and thank our Lord for the day.


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I'm back . . .

So a lot has happened since my last blog in November. Then I was blogging as a new mommy about the ordeals and decisions that we faced along he journey of parenthood. I would like to still continue on with that from time to time, but i think my blog will be an outlet for me as well so that i may blog along my new journey as a single mommy.

Recently I have faced great change and challenges. Most I would not wish upon any woman let alone new mommy, but I have been reminded more than once that God works in mysterious ways. Today, six months from my last blog I spend my time playing with my son, encouraging his mental and physical development, and tending to bumped heads and bruises . . . his and mine.

Together we race between my part-time work, swim lessons, little gym, playdates and visits with family and friends. By the way . . . we are so fortunate to have loving family (ALL of you) and true friends. Like one of my best just pointed out, they keep you accountable and that is huge. Without the unconditional love, support, guidance, and prayers of family and friends I might not even know about the light at the end of the tunnel. And although I still don't see it, because of them I know it's there.

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To Vaccinate or Not That is the Question

Tuesday we went to Nathan's pediatrician to get two more vaccinations. Currently we are on what Dr. Sears would call a "selective vaccination schedule." Nathan is not getting all of the recommended vaccinations on the American Academy of Pediatrics Vaccination Schedule. After MUCH research into all of the vaccinations including how they are made, what they contain and all of the possible side effects, Sam and I decided to opt out of some and delay others.

We were also able to attend a lecture given by Dr. Sears just a month or two before Nathan was born and ask him some of our questions and get feedback on some of our concerns. During a time when vaccinations are being looked at as a link between Autism it is scary to be making such a descion that could affect our child's life one way or the other. To vaccinate or not that was the question and after agonizing over the answer I feel good about our decision.

Nathan is not being vaccinated for Polio and he will not be vaccinated for Hep B until his teen years rather than in infancy. (No chance of any STD's here so this one is not a problem at all!) His DTaP vaccine is the Daptacel brand and while it does conatin a moderate amount of aluminum, it doesn't conatin any cow's blood or cow serem. He also only gets no more than two vaccines in each visit and only one that conatins aluminum each time. If you would like to do your own research Dr. Sears' Vaccine Book is a great place to start! I cannot even tell you all of the information I have gained from it.

I also cannot be more grateful to have found a pediatrician as great as ours that is willing to work with us and what we want for Nathan. She always shares her expertise and advice, but never tries to steer us away from what we want. She just makes sure we get both sides of the story and I am so grateful. She gets that I'm neurotic and she loves us anyway!

If you're looking for a pediatrician in the Fresno area e-mail me at erickaramirez05@yahoo.com and I'd be happy to pass along her contact information.

Is Natural Always Safest?

So although we are currently in a plunging economy that is in desperate need of help, we have recenly been programmed to buy into the whole idea of "Organic." Even though organic products cost more, we are assured that they are more than worth the extra cost because our physical and mental health are at risk. There is everything from organic food to organic hand sanitizer. And I am the frist to admit that I have bought into this whole heartedly. Afterall, it's only the best for my son, right?

We have organic foods, shampoo, bibs, hand sanitizer, blankets and more. I guess I feel that Nathan has come into this world so pure that I don't want to taint him with anything. I have been so broadsided by the idea of "organic" that I had it wrapped up in the same package with "natural." If it's made from natural ingredients it must be safe, right? Well today I was given a new perspective and now I'm not so sure. I believed the difference between organic and natural ingredients to be that Organic is derived from products that are not treated with pesticides or hormones and natural refers to products created from materials and elements found in mothernature. Similar, but not the same.

Anyway, I have been so cautious about what I introduce Nathan's body, particularly vaccines (I will get into this more later). I have not wanted to medicate him with even the smallest amount of Tylenol. I am so afraid that his tiny body will get used to medication and become immune to it not to mention any potential harm it may do to him as well. But with Nathan teething these last few weeks I went in search of something to provide him some relief and comfort.

First I tried pacifiers and teethers. He really didn't like either and especially not chilled. Then I tried massaging his gums . . . bad idea. His gums are tender and aching and the last thing he wants is me putting more pressure on them! Ooops. So I looked at Baby Orajel, but I didn't feel good about using a numbing agent like Benzocaine. So after a quick "Google Search" for all natural teething relief I discovered several brands of all natural teething tablets. One was lactose free the other not. One dissolved under the tongue and the other had to be dilluted and then rubbed on. I thought I was in luck.

However, after a visit to our pediatrician, whom I just love by the way, she mentioned how surprised she was that I was using these homeopatic teething tablets. She said she was so surprised considering how cautious I am. As soon as she said those words to me I knew exactly what she was referring to - Belladonna, an ingredient in these natural teething tablets. So home to research I went.

This information is among my findings: Belladonna is herb that has been used for centuries for a variety of indications, including headache, menstrual symptoms, peptic ulcer disease, inflammation, and motion sickness. Belladonna is known to contain active agents with anticholinergic properties, such as the tropane alkaloids atropine, hyoscine (scopolamine), and hyoscyamine. While there is currently insufficient scientific evidence regarding the use of belladonna for this or any other indication. Common adverse effects include dry mouth, urinary retention, flushing, pupillary dilation, constipation, confusion, and delirium. Many of these effects may occur at therapeutic doses.

In children, death can be caused by a small amount of belladonna. Several reports of accidental belladonna overdose and death are reported. Belladonna overdose can also occur when it is applied to the skin. Belladonna overdose is highly dangerous and should be treated by qualified medical professionals. Because belladonna can slow the movement of food and drugs through the stomach and gut, the side effects may go on long after the belladonna is swallowed.

So after discussing this issue with Sam we decided to get rid of the teething tablets and give baby orajel a try. And while I know people who swear by these teething tablets and their children are as healthy as can be, they just aren't for us. I will keep you all posted on how it goes.

(For more information on Belladonna go to http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/patient-belladonna.html)

Let's Talk Mommy

So being a first time Mommy has brought many changes to my life. Some expected and some very unexpected. I have always been a person who is very organized in some things and very unorganized in others. I have been known to procrastinate, especially on those term papers during my college days, and running 15 minutes late meant it was a good day. I have always loved "to do" lists, my favorite part being the moment I could strike a line through the chore, thus signaling a new accomplishment. However, me saying that the birth of my son Nathan, has brought change to my life is a huge understatement.

Earning my B.S. in Child Development from Cal Poly required me to learn about the development of children and keep up with the ever growing changes in developmental theories, philosophies of child rearing, teaching practices and so much more. I felt that I was always learning something new and that all my education would prepare me for the day that I became a mommy myself. Was I wrong! While it has of course been so beneficial to me as a parent, nothing could have really prepared me for Mommyhood . . . well except Mommyhood.

It has been such a blessing and the greatest job I have ever had. It has also come with the greatest risks and the biggest rewards. To know that I (well, and my husband Sam too) am responsible for another human beings life, care taking and well being is still so unbelievable. My little guy relies on us for everything right now. Food, warmth, shelter, playtime, naptime, safety and LOVE. UNBELIEVABLE! And thanks to Sam, I get to stay home with my son each day tending to his needs and relishing in each moment as he grows. Did I mention what a blessing it has all been?

So, in the midst of all of this introduction to Mommyhood, I have done more research in the past 13 months than I did in my four years of college! I have looked into everything from slings to vaccines and I still can't get enough! Everytime I turn around there is another decision to be made, a new baby gadget devised, or another article to read. Sound familiar to anyone? So I thought I'd start blogging about the endless research, great finds, unforgettable moments, and the constant changes we endure in Mommyhood. If anything, it will be my mommy diary. . . so let's talk mommy.