Ever feel buried?

So today was a pretty rough day. We had an early morning doctor's appointment and a lot of running around to do. As Nathan continues to grow into the strong handsome boy that he is, he is getting to be VERY ACTIVE! Last Wednesday he began to crawl on his knees a little which was a step from the army crawl he does most often. However, walking is still his first choice of getting around. The only issue is that he can't quite walk by himself so it usually entails me hunched over lending him my two index fingers as support. I can't and won't complain though because I love every second with my little guy and I know that one day soon the last thing he is going to want is me walking him everywhere. But, I do get a little tired ever now and then . . . and so does my back.

While today I felt physically tired, I felt mentally tired too. Getting up early to get myself ready before getting Nathan ready, packing the bag for the day, driving to the doctors, the wait, the appointment, errands, meal time, nap time (him, not me), driving home, snack time (again him, not me), playtime, dinner, bath routine, story, nursing, and bed (once again him, not me). . . I felt very tired. And in between all of that add in a few melt downs because we can't walk 24/7! Soon enough son, soon enough.

Now in that day throw in my emotions and I have to say I felt like I was a little buried. However, days like this are not unfamiliar to me, in fact they are pretty common. While this is everything I expected mommyhood to be, I just didn't expect that I would be going at it alone. I wish that at the end of the day I was coming home to someone, coming home to support.

As I was leaning over the tub tonight during Nathan's bath time I found myself going over the day thinking "we made it through one more day." While it felt hard at times we made it. I quickly shook my thoughts from my head and enjoyed bath time with my son. After getting him into his jammies, telling him a story and nursing him I finally tucked him into bed sound asleep. And once again found my mind drifting . . .

Why is it this way? Why am I a single parent? What did I do? Why did it cost not only me, but my son too? Didn't I do everything I was supposed to to ensure that this very thing didn't happen? To ensure I had support from a husband? While I am getting through the days, it would sure be nice to hear from a husband "you did a good job." "You handled that melt down great." Or it sure would be nice to get a back rub or neck massage at the end of the day after all the 'walking,' nursing and toting baby around. Even better, just a hug with no words at all. These are all things that are just part of wish-list for me because they are all things that won't happen. Why, I may never know. But tomorrow is new day and another blessing with my son, so before it gets here I'm going to crawl into bed with my son and thank our Lord for the day.


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