Wasted Prayers

So today I was on the road and so I had time to do a lot of thinking. . . probably too much. I was thinking back and remembering all my morning prayers. I kind of almost had on OCD thing. I was always so fearful of losing my husband by having something happen to him on his way to work. I would almost hyperventilate thinking that I was going to get a call.

When I became pregnant this feeling only escalated and each morning I would walk Sam out the garage door and just as it shut I would begin to pray. I prayed to our God that he would keep him safe, get him to work safely and get him home to Visalia safely too. I even always said "home to Visalia" because I was so afraid that if I just said home he would take him "Home" and that thought was just too much to bear. I would put my hand on my stomach and say let's pray for daddy son. I didn't want to raise Nathan alone.

After Nathan was born it was the same thing. No matter how tired I was from long nights of being up with Nathan or nursing all throughout the night I would get up and see Sam off. I can proabbaly count on one hand how many times I stayed in bed as he left and that was usually if I didn't hear him getting ready in the morning. Even then, when that garage door shut the praying began. On most days though when i had Nathan in my arms I would say "ok, let's pray son."

I was thinking back on all those mornings and I became angered. How many prayers had I WASTED. How much did I ask of the Lord only to be left anyway.

One Day . . .

So I was waiting for my new day last night and it came. This morning as always Nathan woke up in the best of moods. He crawls over and throws himself on top of me and there is absolutely no personal space between us, but I wouldn't want it any other way. As I lied there this morning I couldn't help but think back on the mornings that we would stay in bed watching t.v, usually old 24's, west wings, or CSI's and daydream about what it would be like once Nathan arrived. We would talk about all the "One day's . . ." that were to come.

Like one day how we would stay in bed watching Saturday morning cartoons with him, or how one day he would run into the room and jump on our bed. I couldn't help but feel a little sad because although Nathan isn't quite running in and jumping on the bed, those days are kinda here. Nathan is here. But it is just the two of us waking up in bed. So this morning I decided to play the "One day . . ." game with him. It was a bittersweet moment and one I will always treasure.

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Ever feel buried?

So today was a pretty rough day. We had an early morning doctor's appointment and a lot of running around to do. As Nathan continues to grow into the strong handsome boy that he is, he is getting to be VERY ACTIVE! Last Wednesday he began to crawl on his knees a little which was a step from the army crawl he does most often. However, walking is still his first choice of getting around. The only issue is that he can't quite walk by himself so it usually entails me hunched over lending him my two index fingers as support. I can't and won't complain though because I love every second with my little guy and I know that one day soon the last thing he is going to want is me walking him everywhere. But, I do get a little tired ever now and then . . . and so does my back.

While today I felt physically tired, I felt mentally tired too. Getting up early to get myself ready before getting Nathan ready, packing the bag for the day, driving to the doctors, the wait, the appointment, errands, meal time, nap time (him, not me), driving home, snack time (again him, not me), playtime, dinner, bath routine, story, nursing, and bed (once again him, not me). . . I felt very tired. And in between all of that add in a few melt downs because we can't walk 24/7! Soon enough son, soon enough.

Now in that day throw in my emotions and I have to say I felt like I was a little buried. However, days like this are not unfamiliar to me, in fact they are pretty common. While this is everything I expected mommyhood to be, I just didn't expect that I would be going at it alone. I wish that at the end of the day I was coming home to someone, coming home to support.

As I was leaning over the tub tonight during Nathan's bath time I found myself going over the day thinking "we made it through one more day." While it felt hard at times we made it. I quickly shook my thoughts from my head and enjoyed bath time with my son. After getting him into his jammies, telling him a story and nursing him I finally tucked him into bed sound asleep. And once again found my mind drifting . . .

Why is it this way? Why am I a single parent? What did I do? Why did it cost not only me, but my son too? Didn't I do everything I was supposed to to ensure that this very thing didn't happen? To ensure I had support from a husband? While I am getting through the days, it would sure be nice to hear from a husband "you did a good job." "You handled that melt down great." Or it sure would be nice to get a back rub or neck massage at the end of the day after all the 'walking,' nursing and toting baby around. Even better, just a hug with no words at all. These are all things that are just part of wish-list for me because they are all things that won't happen. Why, I may never know. But tomorrow is new day and another blessing with my son, so before it gets here I'm going to crawl into bed with my son and thank our Lord for the day.


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I'm back . . .

So a lot has happened since my last blog in November. Then I was blogging as a new mommy about the ordeals and decisions that we faced along he journey of parenthood. I would like to still continue on with that from time to time, but i think my blog will be an outlet for me as well so that i may blog along my new journey as a single mommy.

Recently I have faced great change and challenges. Most I would not wish upon any woman let alone new mommy, but I have been reminded more than once that God works in mysterious ways. Today, six months from my last blog I spend my time playing with my son, encouraging his mental and physical development, and tending to bumped heads and bruises . . . his and mine.

Together we race between my part-time work, swim lessons, little gym, playdates and visits with family and friends. By the way . . . we are so fortunate to have loving family (ALL of you) and true friends. Like one of my best just pointed out, they keep you accountable and that is huge. Without the unconditional love, support, guidance, and prayers of family and friends I might not even know about the light at the end of the tunnel. And although I still don't see it, because of them I know it's there.

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